Creative Nonfiction Essay ~ Draft 2
My car comes to a screeching halt.
I push open my door as quickly and as hard as I can and screamed, “Please someone I need help, please”.
An older black male wearing a black security guard uniform comes over to me, “Ma’am are you injured? Whats wrong?”
There are tears streaming down my face and I’m gasping for air, in-between breaths I said, “My husband….. in the car ….. please help.”
The security guard looked in the window, he quickly jerks a walkie talkie from off his belt and says in a stern voice, “Assistance needed at the emergency room entrance, we have an unresponsive male”.
Before I even had time to process my surroundings I saw through the sliding glass doors a group of people running toward us. I watched as many people in different uniforms, some in blue scrubs, and some in blue scrubs and white jackets ran to my car, followed by two more people pushing out a stretcher. An older man with bags under his eyes, puts two fingers on his neck then his wrist and says, “ I have a pulse, but its weak”. Another man with a bulkier build wearing only blue scrubs stepped into the small opening of the car door slipped his arms underneath my husbands armpits and lifted him, in one split second another man had grabbed his legs, laid him on the stretcher. Everyone was actively doing something as they were pushing my husband into the hospital. The glass doors automatically open for them as they walk in there were a second pair of doors, these were large heavy wooden doors, as we were walking through them another younger male turns to me and says “ma’am you need to stay here we will call you in when he is stable.”
**************************************************************************
My husband and I have been sharing a car ever since he totaled his, so he takes my car in the morning to work and my mother takes my son to school and me to work. This particular day started like any other.
I am awaken to the loud beeping of the alarm at 6:15am, my eyes don’t want to open but I know I have to get up. I pull myself out of bed, the floor boards creak with every step as I head straight for the bathroom, the shower knobs squeak as I turn them. I quickly shower and get myself ready for work and by the time I get my son ready my mother is already waiting outside for us. We drop my son off at school and then I head into work.
In my department you could hear a pin drop, there are rows and rows of short walled cubicles where you only see the very tops of heads busy at work. Row 3 cubicle 2 is where my desk is but you wouldn't know it because there are no identifying markers, we are unable to have any pictures or trinkets. There are also no phones at our desks because it would distract from our work. I sit down log in and begin processing my work. I quickly realize that it is Friday, bills are due. I check my account to make sure my husbands check was deposited. I look at the negative balance on the screen, my pulse quickens and I feel moisture forming in my palms. “Why hasn't his check been deposited? How the hell am I gonna pay bills? I need to ask Dan what the hell is going on,” I think to myself.
I jump out of my seat so fast my chair darts back and hits the cubicle wall with a loud bang, all eyes are now on me. I grab my phone and briskly walk out of the department. I call him several times and every time I hear his voicemail message I feel my blood pressure rise more and more.
I text him “There is an issue, I need you to call me ASAP”
My phone vibrates. I open the text and read:
“Im sorry, your car is parked on the side of your building, your keys are in the glove box, and there is a letter explaining everything, I love you and DJ goodbye.”
My thoughts are racing none of this is making any sense. My chest is tight I can barely breathe and I can hear my heart beat in my ears. I bolt down the emergency stairs passing a few stunned co-workers along the way, the stairs take me directly out to the side parking lot. I scan the rows of cars, my heart sinks, I see just enough of my car to know its mine. I make my way over to it, my teeth are clenched and my hands are shaking. The car couldn't have been here long because it is still warm and I hear the faint tapping of the car settling. I open the door and see a legal pad sitting face up on the passenger seat. I slump down into the drivers seat with a lump in my throat and trying to hold back the tears that are forming I grab the pad of paper and begin to read:
I just want to start out by saying thank you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and always having my back but I don't deserve it. I fucked up again and I’m sorry. I lost my job 2 weeks ago I tried so many times to tell you but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing you again. I let you and DJ down AGAIN and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You always clean up my messes and now it ends. Please tell DJ I love him and I’m sorry I couldn't be stronger for him. He deserves so much better then me and so do you. I don't deserve you. I hope one day you both find peace and understand you guys are better off without me. I love you guys and again I’m sorry.
Please don't try and reach me I’m already gone.
Anger, fear, panic, sadness, and pain set in. I’m crying uncontrollably. I scramble to find my keys and start the car, my tires squeal pulling out of the parking space. Grabbing my phone I call him repeatedly, still getting no response. I know he couldn't have gotten far, he's on foot with no money. I drive in circles desperately trying to find him. All I kept thinking was today I'm gonna lose my husband and kill my son. Suddenly I had a strange idea, it was a log shot but it could help. I scroll through the apps on my phone meanwhile bargaining with god. “please god if you help him it will restore my faith in you. Please I will do anything please help me find him.” I locate the find my phone app my husband and I downloaded when we first purchased our phones. His signal was a few blocks from my work. I followed the map there was a residential community on one side of the street and a school with a large field on the other. Everything was quiet maybe one or two cars on the road and that was it. I drove up and down the street 3 or 4 times then a white figure caught my eye. I swerved over 2 lanes to the right and pulled up on a curb and came to a screeching halt.
I was relieved for a split second, I had found him, I had found my husband, I had found Dan. I got closer and noticed he was laying on the ground extremely pale, and very sweaty he was dipping in and out of consciousness. Next to him were two empty prescription bottles with my name on each of them. I shook him hard and tried to pull him up, his eyes fluttered open a little bit, he pushed my hands away and slurred for me to leave him. I ran back to the car which was still running and pulled the car right up next to him. I somehow found the strength to get 170lbs of dead weight into my car. His breathing was slowing and his eyes wouldn't open any more. I raced to the hospital blowing lights, swerving around cars begging him to stay with me the whole drive.
**************************************************************************
My insides quiver, I pace back and forth, there is a pit in my stomach, every little bit I walk over to the woman behind the glass in the triage area, an older woman who has brown hair with grey roots around her face, who seems as though she has been working for too long and just wants to go home.
“Has there been any update on my husband”, I ask
“Ma’am, as soon as I know something, I will let you know”
I went back to pacing, there were other people in the waiting room, I could feel their eyes on me but my eyes never left the floor.
Finally the big brown doors open. Another woman came out she was much younger wearing thin framed glasses, blu scrubs, and a stethoscope around her neck.
“Mrs. Hutton” she said.
I replied “Yes” and started walking towards her trying to brace myself for the worst.
“You can come back now” she said
As I followed her back though the wooden doors they closed behind us.
“You’re husband is stable Mrs. Hutton, we had to pump his stomach and we are giving him some medication to try and flush his system. He’s not out of the woods yet but you can sit with him and the doctor will be in to speak with you shortly.” she stopped out front of room 16 and gestured for me to go in.
“Thank you” I said as I let out a breath that I must have been holding for a while.
My eyes dart from every corner of the cold sanitized room. From the shiny cold floor, to the white board on the wall that read “Welcome to Fitzgerald Mercy Hospital your nurse today will be Lauren”, to the beeping black screen thats flashing the numbers of his vitals, to the small ancient muted TV, thats hanging on the wall above us. There is a talk show on, a male and female sitting on opposite sides of a stage screaming at each other, seems very fitting. I look at the ceiling and in each corner of the room there are these small black bubbles with a blinking red light on each. I say to myself “we are being watched”. I can’t bring myself to look at him. The walls close in around me, my head throbs and my eyes feel like there is so much pressure that they may pop right out of my skull. I try to calm myself but my legs wont stop trembling. With every passing figure I see through the curtain my body tenses with anticipation. There is no clock so I am constantly looking at my phone for the time, it feels like an eternity but its only been a few minutes. I lift my head to finally look at this broken man in front of me. My Husband Dan, the man that promised to love me and protect me until the end of time. My heart breaks for him but at the same time my teeth grind from frustration and anger. His eyes are closed, his face pale white, his lips dry and chapped and there are still little bits of vomit in the short corse hair of his goatee. There are wires and tubes attached all around him. He is wearing the only the conventional blue hospital gown because everything else could be a safety risk and were confiscated upon arrival.
The same older man who met us in the front of the hospital joined us a short while later, he had hair only around the sides and back of his head none on the top, and he wore a white lab coat with his name Ronald A. Lutz MD. embroidered in black. Dr. Lutz explained that he believed my husband would make a full recovery, they would have to keep him for observation then he would be transferred to another part of the hospital for a mental evaluation.
On this day I realized my marriage was over, I was extremely relieved that Dan would recover but this had crossed the line, besides the fact that he had lied for 2 weeks, he never once considered how taking his life would effect me or most importantly how it would effect our son.
I push open my door as quickly and as hard as I can and screamed, “Please someone I need help, please”.
An older black male wearing a black security guard uniform comes over to me, “Ma’am are you injured? Whats wrong?”
There are tears streaming down my face and I’m gasping for air, in-between breaths I said, “My husband….. in the car ….. please help.”
The security guard looked in the window, he quickly jerks a walkie talkie from off his belt and says in a stern voice, “Assistance needed at the emergency room entrance, we have an unresponsive male”.
Before I even had time to process my surroundings I saw through the sliding glass doors a group of people running toward us. I watched as many people in different uniforms, some in blue scrubs, and some in blue scrubs and white jackets ran to my car, followed by two more people pushing out a stretcher. An older man with bags under his eyes, puts two fingers on his neck then his wrist and says, “ I have a pulse, but its weak”. Another man with a bulkier build wearing only blue scrubs stepped into the small opening of the car door slipped his arms underneath my husbands armpits and lifted him, in one split second another man had grabbed his legs, laid him on the stretcher. Everyone was actively doing something as they were pushing my husband into the hospital. The glass doors automatically open for them as they walk in there were a second pair of doors, these were large heavy wooden doors, as we were walking through them another younger male turns to me and says “ma’am you need to stay here we will call you in when he is stable.”
**************************************************************************
My husband and I have been sharing a car ever since he totaled his, so he takes my car in the morning to work and my mother takes my son to school and me to work. This particular day started like any other.
I am awaken to the loud beeping of the alarm at 6:15am, my eyes don’t want to open but I know I have to get up. I pull myself out of bed, the floor boards creak with every step as I head straight for the bathroom, the shower knobs squeak as I turn them. I quickly shower and get myself ready for work and by the time I get my son ready my mother is already waiting outside for us. We drop my son off at school and then I head into work.
In my department you could hear a pin drop, there are rows and rows of short walled cubicles where you only see the very tops of heads busy at work. Row 3 cubicle 2 is where my desk is but you wouldn't know it because there are no identifying markers, we are unable to have any pictures or trinkets. There are also no phones at our desks because it would distract from our work. I sit down log in and begin processing my work. I quickly realize that it is Friday, bills are due. I check my account to make sure my husbands check was deposited. I look at the negative balance on the screen, my pulse quickens and I feel moisture forming in my palms. “Why hasn't his check been deposited? How the hell am I gonna pay bills? I need to ask Dan what the hell is going on,” I think to myself.
I jump out of my seat so fast my chair darts back and hits the cubicle wall with a loud bang, all eyes are now on me. I grab my phone and briskly walk out of the department. I call him several times and every time I hear his voicemail message I feel my blood pressure rise more and more.
I text him “There is an issue, I need you to call me ASAP”
My phone vibrates. I open the text and read:
“Im sorry, your car is parked on the side of your building, your keys are in the glove box, and there is a letter explaining everything, I love you and DJ goodbye.”
My thoughts are racing none of this is making any sense. My chest is tight I can barely breathe and I can hear my heart beat in my ears. I bolt down the emergency stairs passing a few stunned co-workers along the way, the stairs take me directly out to the side parking lot. I scan the rows of cars, my heart sinks, I see just enough of my car to know its mine. I make my way over to it, my teeth are clenched and my hands are shaking. The car couldn't have been here long because it is still warm and I hear the faint tapping of the car settling. I open the door and see a legal pad sitting face up on the passenger seat. I slump down into the drivers seat with a lump in my throat and trying to hold back the tears that are forming I grab the pad of paper and begin to read:
I just want to start out by saying thank you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and always having my back but I don't deserve it. I fucked up again and I’m sorry. I lost my job 2 weeks ago I tried so many times to tell you but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing you again. I let you and DJ down AGAIN and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You always clean up my messes and now it ends. Please tell DJ I love him and I’m sorry I couldn't be stronger for him. He deserves so much better then me and so do you. I don't deserve you. I hope one day you both find peace and understand you guys are better off without me. I love you guys and again I’m sorry.
Please don't try and reach me I’m already gone.
Anger, fear, panic, sadness, and pain set in. I’m crying uncontrollably. I scramble to find my keys and start the car, my tires squeal pulling out of the parking space. Grabbing my phone I call him repeatedly, still getting no response. I know he couldn't have gotten far, he's on foot with no money. I drive in circles desperately trying to find him. All I kept thinking was today I'm gonna lose my husband and kill my son. Suddenly I had a strange idea, it was a log shot but it could help. I scroll through the apps on my phone meanwhile bargaining with god. “please god if you help him it will restore my faith in you. Please I will do anything please help me find him.” I locate the find my phone app my husband and I downloaded when we first purchased our phones. His signal was a few blocks from my work. I followed the map there was a residential community on one side of the street and a school with a large field on the other. Everything was quiet maybe one or two cars on the road and that was it. I drove up and down the street 3 or 4 times then a white figure caught my eye. I swerved over 2 lanes to the right and pulled up on a curb and came to a screeching halt.
I was relieved for a split second, I had found him, I had found my husband, I had found Dan. I got closer and noticed he was laying on the ground extremely pale, and very sweaty he was dipping in and out of consciousness. Next to him were two empty prescription bottles with my name on each of them. I shook him hard and tried to pull him up, his eyes fluttered open a little bit, he pushed my hands away and slurred for me to leave him. I ran back to the car which was still running and pulled the car right up next to him. I somehow found the strength to get 170lbs of dead weight into my car. His breathing was slowing and his eyes wouldn't open any more. I raced to the hospital blowing lights, swerving around cars begging him to stay with me the whole drive.
**************************************************************************
My insides quiver, I pace back and forth, there is a pit in my stomach, every little bit I walk over to the woman behind the glass in the triage area, an older woman who has brown hair with grey roots around her face, who seems as though she has been working for too long and just wants to go home.
“Has there been any update on my husband”, I ask
“Ma’am, as soon as I know something, I will let you know”
I went back to pacing, there were other people in the waiting room, I could feel their eyes on me but my eyes never left the floor.
Finally the big brown doors open. Another woman came out she was much younger wearing thin framed glasses, blu scrubs, and a stethoscope around her neck.
“Mrs. Hutton” she said.
I replied “Yes” and started walking towards her trying to brace myself for the worst.
“You can come back now” she said
As I followed her back though the wooden doors they closed behind us.
“You’re husband is stable Mrs. Hutton, we had to pump his stomach and we are giving him some medication to try and flush his system. He’s not out of the woods yet but you can sit with him and the doctor will be in to speak with you shortly.” she stopped out front of room 16 and gestured for me to go in.
“Thank you” I said as I let out a breath that I must have been holding for a while.
My eyes dart from every corner of the cold sanitized room. From the shiny cold floor, to the white board on the wall that read “Welcome to Fitzgerald Mercy Hospital your nurse today will be Lauren”, to the beeping black screen thats flashing the numbers of his vitals, to the small ancient muted TV, thats hanging on the wall above us. There is a talk show on, a male and female sitting on opposite sides of a stage screaming at each other, seems very fitting. I look at the ceiling and in each corner of the room there are these small black bubbles with a blinking red light on each. I say to myself “we are being watched”. I can’t bring myself to look at him. The walls close in around me, my head throbs and my eyes feel like there is so much pressure that they may pop right out of my skull. I try to calm myself but my legs wont stop trembling. With every passing figure I see through the curtain my body tenses with anticipation. There is no clock so I am constantly looking at my phone for the time, it feels like an eternity but its only been a few minutes. I lift my head to finally look at this broken man in front of me. My Husband Dan, the man that promised to love me and protect me until the end of time. My heart breaks for him but at the same time my teeth grind from frustration and anger. His eyes are closed, his face pale white, his lips dry and chapped and there are still little bits of vomit in the short corse hair of his goatee. There are wires and tubes attached all around him. He is wearing the only the conventional blue hospital gown because everything else could be a safety risk and were confiscated upon arrival.
The same older man who met us in the front of the hospital joined us a short while later, he had hair only around the sides and back of his head none on the top, and he wore a white lab coat with his name Ronald A. Lutz MD. embroidered in black. Dr. Lutz explained that he believed my husband would make a full recovery, they would have to keep him for observation then he would be transferred to another part of the hospital for a mental evaluation.
On this day I realized my marriage was over, I was extremely relieved that Dan would recover but this had crossed the line, besides the fact that he had lied for 2 weeks, he never once considered how taking his life would effect me or most importantly how it would effect our son.